Bitch, whore, slut, ugly, fat, pig, dumbass, stupid, retarded, lazy, asshole, ho, unwanted, mistake, shouldn't have been born, attention-seeker, whiner, crybaby, two-year-old, selfish, spoiled, go die, kill yourself, who wants a bitch like you on Earth, spoiled child, brat, you hurt everyone, cold-hearted, uncaring, stone-hearted, cruel, mean, nasty, a devil, weird, insane, BiPolar Freak, four-eyes, overweight cow, "Little Oinkers," soon-to-be prostitute, deserves to be in a juvenile delinquency, deserves to be dead, deserves to be an orphan, monster, freak, rude, loser, scar-girl, nobody wants you, Satan's child, mindless, moron, fool, easy-to-play card, easy leg-spreader, bet you'll be on 16 and pregnant, terrible teenager, delinquent, emo, beastly, creature, animal, unloved, nobody truly wants you, terrible friend, cheater, bitch who ditched me, hated, hateful, always a depressed weirdo, too quiet, why aren't you dead already, get hit by a car, go somewhere else, leave the house, good-leave, nobody likes you, easy-to-fuck, legs-never-closed, why were you ever brought into this world, God hates you, you ruin everything, life ruining bitch, ex-boyfriend-taker, brainwasher, incapable of doing anything, cripple, liar, faker, you never tell the truth about your life-everyone says, useless, unhelpful, you're not suicidal you just want ATTENTION, go take the pills already.
These are just a few of the comments I've gotten over the years, from family, people in my school district, people online, etc.
I'm sick of it. Everyone's bullshit. I don't even know who I can trust without being backstabbed anymore... It was hard for me to even start trusting my boyfriend, whom I dearly love. Everywhere I turn, my world slowly crumbles, everything I touch-disappears before my eyes.
I've heard everything from "stupid" to, well, just choose another word on that list, for example. I've heard it from before the age of 10, to now, 16 years old.
I dream about having a life with my boyfriend often, and that's the only thing keeping me going--besides my closest friends who know who they are and I'm not gonna name them, they know it's them. 90% of the time I want to just end it, take a bottle of my mother's Lithium meds-and get a water bottle. I used to wonder what life would be like if I didn't exist, I start thinking of how positive some people's lives would be.... for example:
My ex would have never met me, so his best friend would have never met me. They would still be friends, and they wouldn't hate each other. My mother? Well, she would obviously be happier, she says she would all the time-and means it. She truly does. She might have even been a happier being without me being born, because my siblings wouldn't fight with me. My other friend? He'd have never cheated on his gf with me if I wasn't around. My teachers? They wouldn't have had to put up with someone like me. My little brother? He wouldn't have to worry about looking up to me as a role-model... he'd only have his twin to try to care about. My sister? Less arguments for her to deal with.
My only lifeline is the thought of a life with my boyfriend. Having a happier future, a better life. Getting a great career in Art, marrying him, raising children, and growing old with him. My boyfriend is the reason I haven't tried to harm myself in months. I've only tried to OD once, and that was during the beginning of our relationship, when I almost was forced to break up with him for multiple reasons.
I try to make myself think of that, and nothing else. I cry many nights, as dumb as it may sound, about how hard it is for me. I try to keep my head up, because I know many have it worse off than I do. The sad thing is, I've kept everything I've written, plus more, bottled within me for months and months. I've shared only a few bits of info. Recently, it's started to spill over. I've begun to tell a few people, but it's almost as if so much was hidden in that bottle for so long, that it'll take years to empty it and refill it.
I want to explain some of my past, and I hope I don't seem self-conceited, however, I've been called that too.
My name is Kayla Christine, I have 16 years. My original hair was light blonde-brown, and I have bright blue eyes... one of the only things I enjoy about my physical appearance. As a young child I lost my father to a jail for 6 months. My mother had BiPolar, and it wasn't too great when she got out of hand. As I got older, I was diagnosed with bipolar myself-but still technically not yet labeled, but that is what it is. But anyway, as I grew up, I had to move schools in the District. I had to leave friends, that I wouldn't see until Jr. High/Middle School.
The next school I went to wasn't as kind as my old one. Though, the same district, everyone was completely different. My appearance to many of them, was ugly. I was fat, and they told me it straight to my face sometimes. I weighed over 140 pounds in Elementary school, and I'm short which doesn't help. I have had paper thrown at me, pencils, I've been laughed at, shoved, my arm has been yanked, basket balls thrown at me, things that I didn't do blamed on me, etc. When I couldn't physically run anymore, due to intense pains in my hips, I had to sit on the sidelines for most of Gym. A student once came up to me, questioning why I wasn't running with them. I explained my condition. The student stared, laughed, and basically said I could run and that someone had run in worse conditions before and I was trying to get out of gym or something. I don't even remember anymore, and I don't want to really. Fifth grade my father was gone again-For something that was a total misunderstanding, but law doesn't care... they just do their job, he came back in the summer after I turned 13. I didn't have any birthdays for becoming 10, 11, 12. Which was actually kind of emotionally hurting for me, but I knew it wasn't important or too bad. My mom, who wasn't as bad at the time, tried to make it up with a huge 13th. That was one of the few good things that happened during those years.
Seventh grade is when the transition happened, Elementary to Middle school. I hated it, so much. It gave me severe anxiety. I sat alone at lunch at least half the year, and told my parents otherwise. My "friends" from my older elementary school had changed, most of them became mean to me and ignored me. Some even talked about me behind my back. I was one of the school students who wasn't so popular or treated well. Seventh grade was awful, except for my Tech/Art/Home Ec class rotation. I had fun in that class, because my friend was in it (now my boyfriend.)
Eighth grade wasn't very fun either. Most of the time I still was alone at lunch, or I did sit with people, but they basically ignored my commentary-They were all talking about their advanced classes... which I wasn't in. Still was made fun of, but worse at times. I got shoved at a locker, stabbed with a pen in the hall, etc. Sadly, my (current boyfriend) friend and I weren't very close at this time, we had faded our friendship during those times. Midyear I had a severe depression, suicidal actually. I had tried to OD a few times, but I didn't tell my parents that part. It got better, eventually, after a Hell for a few months. At the end of 8th I was heartbroken at the Graduation Dance. The whole time I sat on a vent in the cafeteria, trying not to cry as everyone walked by me. A few acquaintances walked by, and tried to get me up.. But they said it in a rude way, "Get your lazy butt up. Don't remember your last Middle School day by being boring." I knew they just wanted me to have fun, but it still hurt me somehow emotionally.
Ninth Grade, the transition to Highschool. That year was awful. I had a teacher who was arrogant to me, and I was fearful of him. Meanwhile I had gotten my first boyfriend. Most of that year I had insults, and staring. I was going a bit anorexic at the time(nothing extreme), I had been 200+ pounds in 8th. Lower than 150 in 9th. Now, this boyfriend was a nice guy. However, he went about many things wrong. He ended up making me think he really "loved me" instead of simply throwing a word around. He messed with my mind in a way. He dumped me 6 times in just that one year. I broke up with him once-When I had enough after him doing it the day before Valentine's Day and asking me out a week later. My friend (Boyfrend now) and I had gotten a bit closer again, but he had a girlfriend, even though I liked him a bit at the time. He was very kind to me, and made the funniest jokes which cheered me up often. Now, the boyfriend I had at the time said some rude things to me. I was called things such as Shallow, uncaring, and my personality was unappealing to him. He only enjoyed the physical aspect of me, which no lie, he DID tell me to my face.
Tenth, the bullying was less, but definitely still there. Rumors were spread about me, from my ex boyfriend... Apparently how I was easy to open my legs or some crap. Thankfully, many didn't believe those rumors. I started dating another guy, very nice to me at first. Took me places to eat, bought me beautiful things. However, I slowly started realizing he was a bit clingy. Now, that didn't upset me too much. Clingy isn't always bad. However, it got worse, and worse, and worse. He started becoming a bit obsessed. Too obsessed. He was becoming unhealthily attached. He would get angry and yell at me, upset, when I couldn't go to his house. He'd claim I wasn't trying, and how it was worthless. I don't think he realized how he acted, but he did act like that... and it upset me terribly. He was very stalker-like too, in a worrying way. He'd follow me down the Hall when I was returning papers to a teacher, hiding behind the wall. When I stated I'd be back to the class afterschool in two minutes. He also physically was unhealthy, he was stressed, and stopped eating-and he used to be a HUGE eater. He told me he stopped because he wanted to be skinnier for me, and I said to him he was fine how he was and to not do that. However, he continued against mine, his family's, and his doctor's orders. There are some other things that happened, but there a bit too.... informative. I don't wanna blab about other people too descriptively. This isn't descriptive compared to it. Eventually, anyway, I broke off the relationship. Eventually, I began dating his best friend, and I know how cruel that is, but he at one point had dated his best friend's ex to make him jealous for her or some crap. So seriously, we'd all done terrible things. My second ex was awful about it, I didn't blame him at first. He had a perfectly good reason.. Until it got out of control. He started texting me things, like, "I won't be there for you if you ever need me." Which only upset me because the night before, I had been talking to him, making sure he was okay and not crying, telling him I did care and had no cruel intentions... and recently my Godfather had died too, which I was broken about that. But my ex didn't really seem to realize my emotions, it always turned into a conversation about his, even when we were dating... Not just sometimes, but everytime I wanted to vent, he'd cut me off. I know he has feelings too, and he can always share them... but it still hurt me that I couldn't share mine really. (And yes, I know it doesn't always fully fix the problems, to tell someone things like that.) To this day, he still texts things such as, "Do you love me." And things that make me feel guilty about myself, after I beg him to stop and he says he will. Never does, though. I know we all have emotions... but it launched me into depression again.
Now? Now my mother is Ill again. I'm being called a pig by her, a dumb bitch, useless. Being told I was a mistake, etc. She claims she means it, and the kind of person she is-ill or not- she means it if she says she does. I currently am becoming terribly depressed again, as stated before. Afraid to sleep, afraid she'll come in and yell or something worse. Or that I'll have nightmares, nightmares of death.
Which is why I'm currently writing this, because I'm passing the time. So someone can read some of my story, if God forbid, something ever happens. So someone out there who feels the same way, knows they aren't alone. I know it can always be worse. I just needed a way to express my feelings, so all of this happened.
I'll just keep remembering, futures can be better. Everyone who feels this way, too, remember that. Futures can always be more than what a "present" of the present is. Sometimes the presents given by the Present is a hoax, and an April Fool's Day Joke. However, the future could hold more, like that real present. Just waiting to be given to you, happily.